Survival Mode - by MaryBeth Rouse, COTW China Program Manager
“How are y’all holding up? Everyone gets asked that question a lot these days. Most of us answer something along the lines of “oh we’re hanging in there” or “making the most of it”. At the beginning of quarantined life, that’s how I answered too.
But ask me today and you will get an honest “we are in survival mode”.
The first two weeks, I jumped in with both feet and an arsenal of pins from Pinterest. Yep, it was going to be tough – but this was the kind of challenge I thought I could thrive under! After all, it was just going to be for 2 weeks, 3 weeks tops!
So, I set up our homeschool classroom, made a colorful schedule to follow, led the kids in character yoga, instructed watercoloring, took a field trip to collect fresh eggs, and documented it ALL on social media.
Week three began spring break. “Whew! A break. It’s a good thing this will all be over soon” But then the announcement came – school would be out for the remainder of the year. I can remember feeling physically ill.
You see, by the end of my second week working, teaching, cooking, cleaning, & careing full-time – from home – I knew I was in the process of sinking. The news that this was now my “new normal” meant I would soon be drowning.
Every day there were more and more emails and posts about ALL the education resources I needed to be using, ALL the activities I should be doing with my children , ALL the ways I should be using this time to “re-connect”. ALL THE DANG EMAILS!!! Don’t get me wrong. These were things I wanted to be a part of. (I’ve even felt bitter at times that I can’t experience quarantine the ways that others are) But I have 4 children – ages 14, 10, 7, and 3. I began to struggle with just the bare minimum – let alone adding “extra” into the mix. I understood the well meaning suggestions of “just let go of what you can’t get to”. But, what if what I couldn’t get to was cooking dinner? Or cleaning the house that we WERE INSIDE OF ALL THE TIME? I remember seeing a post that was supposed to be inspirational – but instead defeated me completely. It said something to the effect of “The reason it feels so hard is because it is. You were not meant to be a full-time employee, teacher, chef, maid, mom, wife, etc, all at the same time – without any break.” I probably even shared it. But the truth is, I read that and felt helpless. This just confirmed what I was facing was “impossible” – and yet still had to be done. These weren’t just unrealistic expectations I had set for myself. Let’s be clear – I’m talking about accomplishing the bare minimum (those glorious Pinterest ideas were long gone and I don’t even know where my “colorful schedule” is now).
This might just be the best picture of our personal “survival” right now. Notice how 3 out of my 4 children fell asleep amongst toys, dress up clothes and other “randomness”. But, also notice the new puppy curled up next to them, and the way that Ellie also “tucked in” her doll beside her. Not to mention, they fell asleep while watching a movie TOGETHER. These are the things I struggle with reminding myself to see - the indications that we are not “drowning” - but surviving this temporary season.
Many (most) will get to this sentence and think “here is where she says ‘that’s when I realized it was impossible for me – but possible with God!’ and everything got better”. Well, you would be right about 1 part – doing this on my own is impossible, and God is VERY much with me during this season. So, I am sustained, but no, things are not better. Which is my point, for now, when I say “we are in survival mode”. In my home there are mountains of laundry, dishes and toys everywhere, stickyness on every surface, and trash seems to multiply by the minute. I’ll catch a glimpse of the bottom of my children’s feet and think “when did they shower last?” Today I gave the greenlight to eat a burrito and chocolate cereal for breakfast. I’ve experience “self neglect” at the hand of my responsibilities. These things push me to the very limit……
Life is hard and I often feel consumed by the flames. There is a beautiful song by MercyMe called “Even If” that I’ve claimed as my anthem during this time. “I know you’re able and I know you can, save through the fire with your mighty hand. But, even if you don’t my hope is in you alone.”
For some of us, this pandemic will be the season we were forged in the flames -when we survived and came out the other side not “refreshed” but strengthened.
For those families who are experiencing blessings of renewal and restoration during this time, please continue to be a light! In the wise words of my husband “we need those families to be the light at the end of our tunnel right now”.
When I asked the COTW team what they would like to share in our newsletter, naturally the topic of “new normal” came up. I was thrilled with featuring Nick and Tonya’s families – because their stories are what I wanted mine to be. I’m so grateful for my coworkers and the inspiration they give me.
So, How are we holding up? Well, I feel like I’m trying to survive a hurricane…. Blowing inside …. While wrestling angry squirrels away from the pantry. But, the Lord has sustained me with moments like: watching my husband paint our daughter’s fingernails, my oldest finally landing a back-flip on the trampoline, another son make strides in his maturity and independence that make my heart soar, and my youngest son seeing his favorite movie projected on the front of our house to celebrate his birthday.
Yes, my favorite bible verse is lived out well right now: “For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, “Do not fear; I will help you.” Isaiah 41:13
*And please pray with me, that this is NOT my family’s new normal…. we’re starting to feel more connected to circus life than seems healthy.
