“All About Me” “My Family Tree”
“Write an Introduction Letter All About Yourself”
Often used as a way for teachers and students to get to know one another, assignments like these can sometimes feel like a spotlight is shined on the circumstances unique to adoptive families. This very topic has produced a range of opinions within the adoption community, on how adoptive parents should respond when their child is asked to share “all about me”.
We asked three of our Children of the World staff members to offer perspective and ways adoptive parents can support their children while partnering with teachers to promote inclusivity and understanding in the classroom.
Teresa Boone - Executive Director, Mother and Grandmother, and Licensed Social Worker
Beth Hall - Adoption Coordinator, Adoptive Mother, and Retired Elementary School Teacher
MaryBeth Rouse - Program Manager, Adoptive Sibling, and Mother to 4 School-age Children (biological and non-biological)
Teresa – As our kiddos start back to school I’m reminded of my own children’s assignments at the beginning of each year, to write about themselves and their families. I’m sure this process gives teachers so much insight into their little beings, and allows classmates to start understanding each other better. When handled correctly, I can see the potential for good things to come from this experience.
Beth – You’re absolutely right! Teachers become so invested in the lives of their students, typically calling them “my babies” or “my kids”. Having a chance, early on, to let children share with their teacher and classmates more about who they are and where they come from is often a bonding experience. But, as an adoptive mom, I can also understand why there would be anxiety and hesitation.
Teresa – The opportunity for bonding and inclusion is important for parents to remember. We’ve all heard the range of opinions the adoption community has on this topic; advocating for one extreme to the other. I do agree that education materials are largely not inclusive or supportive of differences (the family tree project above is an example). But, I would like to focus on supporting families as they tackle projects built around “conversation starters” such as this “all about me” example. Or, possibly a “genetics” lesson in their human anatomy class, or “genealogy” discussion in social studies. I suspect many families will face these in the future and want ways to support their children and partner with teachers.
MaryBeth – I agree. I feel like most parents of “non-typical” families (families that are not composed of only husband, wife, and their biological children) recognize there will be tricky or even difficult questions asked at some point. The hard part is remembering to take ourselves out of it. There is no benefit in us (parents) becoming “flustered” by these projects. When my children bring home their All About Me posters, I have to remind myself this is an opportunity for me to “really get it right” – when it comes to empowering them and modeling healthy behavior. It can be tough to let them take the lead; and even more difficult to recognize when my own fears / insecurities keep me from listening and supporting their feelings and choices.
Teresa – Very true. I think we are all guilty of projecting our own fears onto our kids at some point or another. Even the most attuned mom or dad will have the wrong assumption at some point. It can be hard – that is why they are called listening SKILLS. The first step parents can make towards equipping their children for tackling these tricky situations is to set our own opinions aside, and follow their lead.
So, your child comes home and hands you the instructions for their “Family Tree” project. You grab the poster board and markers, sit down with your child at the kitchen table and start to work through the questions, being careful to listen and observe their demeanor for any changes.
For our adopted children, sharing about their past or differences can be perplexing – even painful for some by bringing up grief issues. You might need to pause with your child around certain topics and look for ways to encourage self-confidence.
Two suggestions I have for parents with children that might be expressing worry or sadness about sharing:
1. Help your adopted child(ren) create their story from what they are willing to share. This can be anything from “I was born in a far away land to a family who looked like me, Chinese...” Or their story can begin with their adoption and include their current family.
At any rate, they need to know they are in charge of their story, and they can decide what is revealed to the world.
2. The second suggestion is for children who might feel sad when they think back or compare their lives to their peers. Create a “My Story Chart” with two columns labeled: “Happy Things” and “Sad things”. If they grieve over not knowing their birth parents write it in the sad column (or have them draw a picture of how they are feeling). This recognizes their feelings and helps children see that life is made up of happy and sad events / feelings. Be sure to listen for their “Happy Things” as they occur and remind them to write those on the chart too. As the list grows over time, they will have a representation of more happy than sad, even though sad is very real and sometimes feels more prominent.
Beth – These are great ideas! The chart would be a great tool for your child’s school counselor to have on hand, should an incident or conversation at school cause an issue. I would also encourage keeping teachers aware of what your child has decided they are comfortable sharing. Children are curious (shocking! I know :) ) So, in the classroom, once “adoption” is mentioned, questions will be asked. Teachers need (and want) to know where to draw the line during share time. This will help your child’s experience remain positive; by protecting certain areas – but also not implying to your child there is something wrong, by cutting off questions they are willing to discuss.
MaryBeth, you made an important point about modeling healthy behaviors for our children. When mom and dad can comfortably acknowledge their child’s adoption, and answer the child’s questions without avoiding or becoming angry, I feel like kiddos have a much better chance to develop the same confidence.
MaryBeth – You bet! Our children pay attention to how we respond.
I can confidently say most parents will react appropriately to statements like “They’ll think I’m weird because I’m adopted”…. But reacting well when our children feel differently than we do, and this rubs against one of our own insecurities, boy is that tough!
Below are examples of challenges that have been paired with supportive responses, and common (often well-meaning) responses that feel more “reactive” and parent focused.
Teresa – These are all great points and tips for parents to take into consideration when children are asked to share about their lives. I think we can all agree, asking schools to no longer allow “about me” assignments is extreme and wouldn’t actually accomplish anything positive. Instead, we hope parents will recognize the opportunity given to walk along side and support their child’s healthy development.
Two final thoughts I’d like to share with parents in this area:
1. Expect that your child’s answers may change from time to time. (Just like how our own feelings and perspectives can be fluid) If in first grade your child was really straight forward with their responses, but in third grade they express a desire to reference a “birth parent” – don’t panic.
If the change comes as a complete shock, it’s ok to be curious – but keep your questions and tone supportive.
2. The “opportunity” doesn’t end once the paper is turned in. Talk with your child after they’ve submitted their work, or shared with the class. Ask about any questions that came up, how those made your child feel, etc. Then, celebrate their successes and work on any areas they want to feel better prepared for.
