I was still fighting a sense of dread and uncertainty regarding the future, but chose to make it “a time to dance.”
Fall Newsletter 2020
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What Remains After the Storm
I have lived on the Alabama Gulf Coast for 20 years. I grew up here, I know what to expect with hurricanes. But ask any gulf coast resident with at least minimal knowledge of hurricanes past - and they will tell you,
this storm wasn’t anything we expected.
I can only speak for myself, but when I heard a weak Cat 2 storm was headed our way my first instinct was, “whelp, I had better stock up on good snacks and make sure the kids have all their toys inside”. Don’t get me wrong, we prepared (but for a “typical” Cat 1-2 storm). We are lucky, my husband is an amazing mechanic-handy-man’s-man, and he’d secured a generator with plenty of extension cords and fans … just in case. But honestly, that was just about as “prepared” as we felt experience had taught us to be.
"All About Me" - When our children are asked to share
Real Talk - Living out Unconditional Love
I often think about how Embry’s selfless, unconditional love for Elijah could teach us all about how God wants us to love others. We go through life in a hurry and only slow down to interact with those that are able to offer us something in return, whether it be a response, acknowledgement of some kind, or even eye contact. At the end of the day, true love and kindness should expect nothing in return.
Adoptive Mom, Sabrina Dunn, shares how the Lord is using a unique bond between her two children to teach their family more about what unconditional love truly means, and the little ways we can demonstrate this to others.
2020 Second Quarter Newsletter
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In the Garden with Grandma Pat!
Gardening During the Pandemic - by Pat Lee, COTW Founder and Director of International Programs
Gardening can be so much fun for you and your children. Planting seeds, watching them sprout and grow will excite children and adults as well. It is great for your morale and keeps your mind off all of the craziness around us.
During WWI & II American’s were encouraged to plant Victory Gardens. A century later “Pandemic Gardens” are bringing families together again. In WWI there was not only a war, but also an influenza pandemic as well. Families then and now were fearful about a disruption in food supplies. The economy was down and people were concerned about their future. Feels familiar, doesn’t it?
Growing your own food - no matter if it is in a small plot in your backyard, in buckets or a large area - can bring you so much joy, good nutrition, and yummy fresh food!
When my first group of children were young, Jim always planted a big garden at his mom’s house. We had tons of food all summer and I loved it. I could put food in our freezer and made pickles, jams and jelly. I even canned beans and squash. It was a big money saver for our big and growing family. When our two children arrived from Vietnam in 1975 they had never grown anything and were thrilled to garden. My older children were not so thrilled with all the hoeing and weed pulling. By the time my last three girls came home from India and Korea, Jim had moved our garden to our side yard . Although it was much smaller, it was easier to handle and take care of in our own yard. After Jim passed away, I still had my garden, but just in flower beds and in buckets. I had tons of tomatoes, egg plant, cucumbers, various peppers , squash and basil. Jim had always followed the Farmers Almanac and it proved always to be right. No matter how much I encourage him to plant early, he never planted until Good Friday.
In the early 80’s I was working in the jungle area of Bolivia. There were so many orphans there. 7 out of 10 children were dying due to malnutrition and disease. I was working with Villa Fatima, a home for small children, and Centro, an older boys home . Centro was very overcrowded and this was a very poor area. So many children were orphaned due to the drug issues there. Many of the fathers had gone to the cocoa fields to work and became addicted to cocaine. The mothers could not take care of them so they ended up in Centro or Villa Fatima. (It was during this time that I was investigated for drug trafficking … But, I’ll save that part for the my book I’m writing)
There was never enough food for all of those hungry boys and small children . One morning I was there to bring supplies and I noticed a large sunny area that could be perfect for a garden. I got permission from the director and we began buying hoes, shovels and seed. The boys were so excited. It seemed to give them purpose and they anxiously weeded, watered and watched as our garden grew. Several months later, when I returned, they were so excited to show me the beautiful corn , beans, squash and other things that were ready to be harvested . It was so successful that they asked if we could provide a freezer. We bought a large one and the ladies learned how to preserve the veggies. Something so simple and so inexpensive made such a difference. Thank you Jesus! I have not been back in many years. But by the grace of God we were able to bring Several of these older boys home to their forever families. Each one has an amazing story. To God be the Glory
Today I have a raised garden. When I moved to my new house, I was concerned about where and how I could have a garden. My daughter, Terri, helped me find a good sunny area. You need to have good sunshine for at least six hours a day. Since I have broken my hip I cannot get up and down so easily. My son in law, Ray Lane, designed and built me a raised bed. It is 4x6 in size and 32 inches tall - so that I do not have to bend down. It’s perfect! He put a liner in first and then really good soil from Old Tyme Feed. Good soil in the key when putting a garden. Terri bought the small plants from Old Tyme Feed as well (so we knew they were healthy). I planted them 12 inches apart. I planted flower seed there as well ( sunflower and giant zinnia). They grew so quickly that I had to move them to flower pots.
I use Miracle Grow Tomato fertilizer ( dry that I mix with water) I fertilize one time a week. I use Miracle Grow for my flowers as well .
My great grand children, Parker and Maggie love gardening and send me pictures as they watch their veggies grow. I get updates each weeks on how many tomatoes and squash they now have. Evie , Mary Beth’s youngest, (adopted from Pune India) is quite the gardener as well. She and Abby also have their garden in pots and they are thriving as well. They just picked their squash today and will cook tonight. I get weekly updates on their veggies with pictures..
Children love to plant seeds and watch them grow. It also serves as a conversation starter which can be so important when you are closed up together. Being stuck inside on a computer or other screens all the time can make you anxious . Getting outside and having your hands in the dirt just feels right and is healing. If you haven’t done this, please try it.
Here is a recap of my top planting tips:
Choose the right “plot”
Plant in a sunny location with at least six hours of direct sunlight
Plant in well drained soil
Plant in stable area away from strong wind or possible flooding
2. Choosing what to plant
Start small, and only grow what you will eat or give away.
Plant things your family likes to eat.
Check to make sure you know what grows best in your region! ….. which leads me to….
3. Top supplies to purchase
Purchase a Farmer’s Almanac
Purchase good quality soil
Purchase good quality plants or seeds
And don’t forget to fertilize on a regular basis!
God continues to pour out His blessings on each of us , enjoy this time with your children it is precious time. I would love to see your gardens.
“Sending much love to all of our families
Happy Gardening!
”
Life School is in Session! - Part of "Navigating our New Normal"
Life School is Now in Session - by Tonya Fistein, COTW Home Study Only Coordinator
As parents, we pride ourselves on organizational skills needed to schedule and maintain a routine for our family’s ‘normal’ lives. We create these detailed schedules, calendars, and routines to help us ease into our busy lives. Then we adjust them as needed depending on the time of year for school, work, and activities. As a mother, I pride myself on my organizational abilities, my calendars, my schedules, and my to-do lists. I have dry erase boards, stickers, colorful markers; even meals are planned with groceries ordered online. It is predictable, planned and typical.
But what happens when the world gets sick? When our families and coworkers get sick? When we see the devastation of so many deaths around the world, and the numbers on those dashboard totals continue to grow? When businesses, restaurants, gyms, schools, salons, and even medical facilities close? Well we pray, we refocus and we relearn exactly what our ‘new normal’ should be like. Out go the activities and drop off schedules, and in come the plans for homeschooling multiple grade levels, multiple children, wrangling pets, and battling internet and technology issues. So we set off to reorganize, only to forget about dinner, have it burn, all while chasing the dog across two neighborhoods because someone left the door ajar. At the same time, trying to teach middle school math and interpreting AP World History assignments, and zoom calling for work and ballet and drama classes.
My husband recently came home thinking our 15 year old was having WWIII with someone and snatched her bedroom door opened only to find out she was performing a monologue of Joan of Arc for a drama class on Google Meets. He waived politely to the class and teacher and closed the door (thankfully, our daughter was allowed to begin her performance again). And let’s not forget how awkward by daughter felt having to do her classical ballet/pointe class on zoom, in front of her father in the dining room, while he was watching Judge Judy in the great room (I am totally rethinking an open floor plan concept for our family).
There were many melt downs for my family at first, but too much time together will do that. Why is that? Well maybe it is because we have grown so far apart, that we struggle to relate to one another. The one thing I knew myself, was I was frightened. I was so very scared. As I watched the dashboard numbers increase daily, my fear took root in my soul. So I knew I had to just stop one day and pray. I was scared for the devastation and pandemic called COVID -19, for our lives, our families, my older children not sheltering at home with us.
That is when I heard God whisper - they are all afraid. Worst of all, my children were afraid. I turned to my scripture and leaned heavily on my Faith at this point. But what about my two youngest children, they were fearful too. Moreover, I was the one that needed to comfort them. So how do you do this? We started talking. First we worked out the kinks in our school and work routines. We tried communicating more effectively (after weeks of completely ineffective communicating). We began to work together. The dry erase boards stood empty but we had a routine. Still, I wanted to empower them more. I felt the need to teach them everything they might need to know for their future.
So I began teaching what we called life skills. There were no meal plans on the boards. Instead the girls had to pick a protein from the freezer and make a full meal around it using pantry items and what few fresh veggies we had. This quickly became our CHOPPED KITCHEN. If one cooked, my other child made dessert with the same criteria. Enter CUPCAKE WARS. They researched recipes of their favorites from restaurants and began arguing over who GOT to cook dinner that night. Next, I had to start “allowing” them to cook breakfast lunch or dinner. As long as they cleaned up their mess and the schoolwork was complete, they could cook or bake. They even made Easter dinner themselves. I simply supervised. These cooking lessons led to family lessons or most importantly their family’s histories. Family stories that lead to more family recipes, more gardening techniques, more life skills and things I kept meaning to talk to them about but hectic schedules got in the way. My girls learned to bake their favorite treats instead of ask for them.
I learned of friends teaching their little ones the art of jams, jellies and canning. And other friends and families teaching their children about farming and raised beds, while sewing masks has even become another’s family event, and my youngest got crochet lessons for her Great Aunt over FaceTime. My girls even had time to paint and mail Easter cards to our church and family members they were not going to get to see. They studied the meaning behind every day of Holy Week. We restarted a bible study we had not completed. Their Dad had them planting my favorite flowers and sunflowers, and even menial chores like cleaning out the attic and garage means walking down memory lane. Those promised and put off movies nights are now a regular thing. There is no rush, the popcorn doesn’t get burned, and the treats are always freshly homemade. We have grown stronger in Family and Faith.
Their fear is now replaced with bonding and our connections are put firmly back in place as we communicate more openly, and snuggle more tightly, family phone calls are longer, and stories shared more freely. Time together is more precious. Our family ties are bound tighter every day. And we are all blessed for it.
My girls said it best last night when they had their latest version of CHOPPED KITCHEN, I hope our family never goes back to the way things were when the world heals. And I agree, I hope we never loosen this bond again either, and as I say my prayers for all of us that carry fear these days, I also say a prayer of Thanksgiving for the blessings of our ‘New Normal’.
“ When this is over, may we never again take for granted
A handshake with a stranger, Full shelves at the store , Conversations with neighbors, A crowded theater, Friday night out, The taste of communion, A routine checkup, The school rush each morning, Coffee with a friend, The stadium roaring, Each deep breath, A boring Tuesday, Life itself.
When this ends
May we find that we have become more like the people we wanted to be, we were called to be, we hoped to be, and may we stay that way
— better for each other, because of the worst.”
Camp Quarantine - Part of "Navigating our New Normal"
Camp Quarantine - by Nick Schmidt, COTW Operations Manager
With several children attending school while both parents are working, this self-quarantine has been challenging, exhausting, and, at times, fun, too.
Online schooling is done in waves with the 7th and 8th graders working early in the morning, followed by the 6th graders who have a mid-morning and a mid-afternoon school schedule. Last, the high-schoolers take the afternoon school shift.
Other activities include PE, which consists of online karate classes, playing ball in the backyard, swimming, and on bad weather days, running on the treadmill, and online yoga or dance. Take your children to work if you have online meetings. Our children enjoyed meeting our coworkers on video calls, some of whom are out of state and out of country (an added bonus is team-building and connecting with co-workers).
More enjoyable pastimes include parades through the house, band concerts in the den (you can use homemade instruments), and camp-outs either outside or indoors in the den with blanket tents. A fun and educational activity we enjoyed was having each child researching a facts/accomplishments about a famous person they were interested in. We would then have a party for the famous person while discussing facts/accomplishments. As an added math lesson, the child(ren) can measure out ingredients to make the party treat. Since online ordering has increased, we have an abundance of cardboard boxes around. Challenge your young folks to make a project from boxes.
A highly rewarding experience is to make a meal for someone you know who might live alone. Bring a child to say hi from a safe distance and to let your child experience giving. You can also text theme music to accompany dinner (music to go with Mexican, Italian, etc) or bring a small floral arrangement.
Finally, there is the Quarantine Spa. Yes, this is parents only! Select a peaceful spot away from the children, for us it is a hammock in the back yard or our bathroom. Use the time to enjoy a quiet moment in the yard or a long hot bath, and have one parent watch the kids while the other one enjoys some peaceful time alone. You can also delay your dinner or dessert and have a date night outside (or inside after smaller children go to sleep).
These are just a few of the ideas the Schmidt family used to keep a little fun and family in the mix of “Camp Quarantine”.
Survival Mode - Part of "Navigating our New Normal"
Survival Mode - by MaryBeth Rouse, COTW China Program Manager
“How are y’all holding up? Everyone gets asked that question a lot these days. Most of us answer something along the lines of “oh we’re hanging in there” or “making the most of it”. At the beginning of quarantined life, that’s how I answered too.
But ask me today and you will get an honest “we are in survival mode”.
The first two weeks, I jumped in with both feet and an arsenal of pins from Pinterest. Yep, it was going to be tough – but this was the kind of challenge I thought I could thrive under! After all, it was just going to be for 2 weeks, 3 weeks tops!
So, I set up our homeschool classroom, made a colorful schedule to follow, led the kids in character yoga, instructed watercoloring, took a field trip to collect fresh eggs, and documented it ALL on social media.
Week three began spring break. “Whew! A break. It’s a good thing this will all be over soon” But then the announcement came – school would be out for the remainder of the year. I can remember feeling physically ill.
You see, by the end of my second week working, teaching, cooking, cleaning, & careing full-time – from home – I knew I was in the process of sinking. The news that this was now my “new normal” meant I would soon be drowning.
Every day there were more and more emails and posts about ALL the education resources I needed to be using, ALL the activities I should be doing with my children , ALL the ways I should be using this time to “re-connect”. ALL THE DANG EMAILS!!! Don’t get me wrong. These were things I wanted to be a part of. (I’ve even felt bitter at times that I can’t experience quarantine the ways that others are) But I have 4 children – ages 14, 10, 7, and 3. I began to struggle with just the bare minimum – let alone adding “extra” into the mix. I understood the well meaning suggestions of “just let go of what you can’t get to”. But, what if what I couldn’t get to was cooking dinner? Or cleaning the house that we WERE INSIDE OF ALL THE TIME? I remember seeing a post that was supposed to be inspirational – but instead defeated me completely. It said something to the effect of “The reason it feels so hard is because it is. You were not meant to be a full-time employee, teacher, chef, maid, mom, wife, etc, all at the same time – without any break.” I probably even shared it. But the truth is, I read that and felt helpless. This just confirmed what I was facing was “impossible” – and yet still had to be done. These weren’t just unrealistic expectations I had set for myself. Let’s be clear – I’m talking about accomplishing the bare minimum (those glorious Pinterest ideas were long gone and I don’t even know where my “colorful schedule” is now).
This might just be the best picture of our personal “survival” right now. Notice how 3 out of my 4 children fell asleep amongst toys, dress up clothes and other “randomness”. But, also notice the new puppy curled up next to them, and the way that Ellie also “tucked in” her doll beside her. Not to mention, they fell asleep while watching a movie TOGETHER. These are the things I struggle with reminding myself to see - the indications that we are not “drowning” - but surviving this temporary season.
Many (most) will get to this sentence and think “here is where she says ‘that’s when I realized it was impossible for me – but possible with God!’ and everything got better”. Well, you would be right about 1 part – doing this on my own is impossible, and God is VERY much with me during this season. So, I am sustained, but no, things are not better. Which is my point, for now, when I say “we are in survival mode”. In my home there are mountains of laundry, dishes and toys everywhere, stickyness on every surface, and trash seems to multiply by the minute. I’ll catch a glimpse of the bottom of my children’s feet and think “when did they shower last?” Today I gave the greenlight to eat a burrito and chocolate cereal for breakfast. I’ve experience “self neglect” at the hand of my responsibilities. These things push me to the very limit……
Life is hard and I often feel consumed by the flames. There is a beautiful song by MercyMe called “Even If” that I’ve claimed as my anthem during this time. “I know you’re able and I know you can, save through the fire with your mighty hand. But, even if you don’t my hope is in you alone.”
For some of us, this pandemic will be the season we were forged in the flames -when we survived and came out the other side not “refreshed” but strengthened.
For those families who are experiencing blessings of renewal and restoration during this time, please continue to be a light! In the wise words of my husband “we need those families to be the light at the end of our tunnel right now”.
When I asked the COTW team what they would like to share in our newsletter, naturally the topic of “new normal” came up. I was thrilled with featuring Nick and Tonya’s families – because their stories are what I wanted mine to be. I’m so grateful for my coworkers and the inspiration they give me.
So, How are we holding up? Well, I feel like I’m trying to survive a hurricane…. Blowing inside …. While wrestling angry squirrels away from the pantry. But, the Lord has sustained me with moments like: watching my husband paint our daughter’s fingernails, my oldest finally landing a back-flip on the trampoline, another son make strides in his maturity and independence that make my heart soar, and my youngest son seeing his favorite movie projected on the front of our house to celebrate his birthday.
Yes, my favorite bible verse is lived out well right now: “For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, “Do not fear; I will help you.” Isaiah 41:13
*And please pray with me, that this is NOT my family’s new normal…. we’re starting to feel more connected to circus life than seems healthy.
REAL TALK - One of our parents shares real life with the story of an outing with her "sensory seeking" daughter
COTW adoptive mother, Emily Davis, shares with us a story from an outing with her daughter, Libby, who has sensory processing differences. We in the adoption community always appreciate opportunities to be open with each other about life and the challenges we sometimes face. Realness lends strength to many, when you strip away the filters to show the hard times and add the message…. “but we’re not giving up”.
Life with Libby, our sensory seeker, was more difficult than I ever imagined pre-adoption. I rarely left my house unless we had an appointment to attend. Libby was wound tight and difficult to manage on my own, so we stayed home a lot.
When she had been home about a year, our dog, Penelope, had to go to the vet. My husband and I arranged everything so that he could stay home with Libby. But then the day arrived, and my husband couldn’t get off work... so I had to decide if I should cancel the appointment or take Libby with me. My husband told me to cancel.
I pridefully decided that I could do it alone! So, I loaded both Libby and Penelope into the car. I was feeling so good about this trip. I was confident beyond reason. Libby had been home almost a year. We were ready to take an outing to the vet! She had come so far in her first year that I just knew she was ready.
As I was driving to the vet, I started thinking about which one I should get out of the car first. Sounds silly, but it was a big decision. I would have to hold onto one of them while I unloaded the other. Both of them are runners. I had to get the best behaved one out first. The one who listened the most. The one who obeyed me more. The one who feared my raised voice. So, with all of those points to consider, I chose Penelope.
I managed to get both of them inside the vet office. Overflowing with pride, I entered the office with my head held high. I was on top of the world. I felt like nothing could ever go wrong with my life again. Because I was on an outing ALONE with Libby AND we had our dog too! Well, pride goeth before a fall. And that day I fell hard. Everything went downhill from there. There are absolutely no words to describe the next 30 minutes of my life.
Penelope is "Libby's dog." She is extremely possessive. We were waiting in line to sign in and the lady in front of us turned around and smiled at us and reached out to pet Penelope. Libby slapped the lady and yelled "HANDS OFF!!" And then she snarled her teeth at this lady just like a dog would. I was speechless and never even thought to apologize to that lady.
One of the vet techs that we know saw us in the waiting room and came to say hi. Libby stood between her and Penelope and yelled, "Noooo!!!" Then Penelope went around Libby to get attention and Libby grabbed her by her back legs and dragged her on her side away from the lady, all while yelling, "No DenaPEE!!! Libby’s DenaPEE!”
We get into the exam room and the second door of the exam room that leads to the back was open. Naturally, Libby ran straight through the room and took off running through the back of the office and into another exam room where she started petting another dog. Thankfully that dog was nice and didn't bite. I was only halfway running after her because Penelope is scared and wouldn’t walk so I had to drag her on her belly by the leash. I grabbed Libby and smiled at all the strangers in the other exam room and give a slight chuckle and said sheepishly, "I should have brought 2 leashes!" I then dragged both back into our exam room.
While waiting in the room for the vet to come in, Libby was licking EVERYTHING!! The floor, the chair, the plant, the exam table, the wall, me, the door. She would not stop. And I was finally starting to remember why I don’t go out with her alone unless we absolutely have to. The vet came in and Libby started gagging. (I'm not sure, but I think she might have licked Penelope right as the door opened) anyway, she started throwing up so I grabbed her up in one arm and stuck my other hand over her mouth. They pointed me to the bathroom in the back and I took off running. I left my purse, keys, and dog behind in the exam room for someone else to look after.
I got her into the bathroom. Somehow I had managed to keep all the vomit in my hand. I put her down in front of the toilet where she lost her lunch. Over and over and over. I washed my hands and then cleaned her up. Finally, we went back into our exam room for the 3rd time. This time I entered the room defeated. I was no longer soaring on cloud nine. I had zero pride. I wanted to go home. But this visit would not end.
Libby was concerned for Penelope the entire time. The vet offered to take Penelope to the back away from Libby for the examination and shots if it would help. I declined because Libby would be so upset if they took her dog away. So they proceeded with the exam. When they clipped Penelope's nails, Libby started crying. Not a sound came out, but tears just rolled off her cheeks. When I wiped her cheeks off she said, "Mommy, Libby cry". I think she thought the vet was cutting Penelope’s toes off.
When they pulled the needles out to do the shots and Libby screamed "NO!!! KIND HANDS!" Throughout the entire exam Libby instructed them with the words and commands she hears me say to her multiple times a day. "Gentle!" "Kind hands!" "No hitting!" "Pet her!!!" “Don’t pick her up!” (It was reassuring to me that she does actually listen to everything I tell her a million times a day. Now to work on her actually DOING what I say…)
When they were done and put Penelope back on the floor, Libby ran over and hugged her tight and said, "No more! All done! See you later!" We went out to the front to pay and I think Penelope realized we were going home. She wasn't too excited. I think she was hoping to board for a few weeks. So, she suddenly lost her ability to walk. And I had to get help getting both her and Libby out to the car.
And so my prideful self that was ready to conquer the world, went back to staying home unless it was an appointment for Libby. I imagine everyone who works at our vet went home with stories to tell their families.
Libby has been home 4 years now and I take her and her younger sister with me everywhere I go! Even to my own doctor appointments. Life has drastically changed over the years. And I promise if you are in a stage of wondering what in the world you’ve done, it DOES get better with time. And depending on the child…..maybe it takes more time than what others have told you.
By Emily Davis, COTW Adoptive Mom
Just As: I am / You are, World Down Syndrome Day Edition
Many of us woke up this morning with the need to find “joy”. These have been troubling days to experience - full of questions and “unknown”. Fear can make it tough to find a different perspective to feel joyous about.
Well, I happen to know of a young man who can teach us the proper technique for gaining a fresh perspective. His name is Simon, he is 5 years old, and I recently had the pleasure of sitting down with his mother, Mollie, to learn about their family. Before I tell you more about our conversation, let me first share Simon’s proven method.
It’s very simple; you stop, turn around, and look upside-down between your legs! Right away you have a brand new perspective to examine. Simon can also recommend placing your head in flowers to soak in extra joy! Go give it a try – and come back to read the rest.
Now that you’re feeling refreshed from your experiment, let me explain more about why I wanted to interview Mollie in the first place. I’ve known of Mollie for nearly 3 decades. We both grew up in the same community. Our paths crossed here and there as we grew older, got married, and had children. Our children attended the same preschool, and it was during this season that I really “attuned” to her unique gift of projecting truth and real life in such a way that it is positive and teachable. (as in “I want to be like her when I grow up”)
This is why I wanted Mollie’s perspective on a topic that is very important in my work: parenting children with special needs. Mollie’s youngest son, Simon, has a down syndrome diagnosis. I wanted to be able to share with those who don’t know, want to know, think they might know, etc – “what it’s really like” to parent a child with special needs, specifically a child with down syndrome. And I wanted to do so in a way that was truthful, non-sugar coated, yet told from the heart of Christ.
If you follow Children of the World, our founder Pat Lee, or have a connection one way or another with our agency – you’ll know that we are an adoption and relief organization with a focus on meeting the needs of children. The vast majority of children in orphanages, internationally, are considered “special needs”. For one particular diagnosis, down syndrome, I’ve come to realize that there are deeply rooted anxieties about the “needs” these children have, and what those could mean for the family who raises them.
In China alone, there are currently over 1,550 waiting orphans, diagnosed with down syndrome. Many factors contribute this large number. Yet, there is no denying that most adoptive families are not “seeking” to bring home a child with down syndrome. (True, there are some) Today, World Down Syndrome Day, let’s take an honest look at some of the challenges and joys having a child with down syndrome could bring into your life.
“Yes, it is a lot of work, and sometimes it can be super stressful and worrisome. And sometimes it’s really frustrating. But the Joys!”
Tell me about a situation or circumstance that you could say would “embody Simon”.
“The whole sensory world is his language.”
Well, just today when I dropped him off at preschool actually. One of the things he’s in to right now is inverting himself to look at things upside down. It’s almost like a little baby yoga pose. We say “oh there goes Simon doing his baby yoga”. But he wants to look at things upside down. He’ll look at something, turn around, make sure it’s lined up, then turn onto his head and look between [his legs]. And that’s just kind of his thing. It’s started this whole dialog between his teachers, and others in the family where we all say “what does Simon need to see upside down now?”. It’s just so interesting – because that’s not something you see typical kids do, you know? He’s found something that he finds really interesting. Being different, or people staring at him – he’s just completely unaware of that. So he just does it.
And what’s really beautiful about him being in public school, is that the kids who are in school with Simon, this is now just totally normal to them. It’s just really interesting to see the way he likes to feel and experience and see the world. He doesn’t have much need, in terms of thinking in an abstract sense. Everything is very very literal and physical. He wants to see and feel things. The whole sensory world is his language.
Parenting in general can bring about fears. Were there any fears you had, or have, specifically related to Simon’s diagnosis?
Oh of course! For the most part, it didn’t take long to realize this didn’t need to be a negative.
Initially there was shock. (Mollie explained that she and her husband were not aware of Simon’s diagnosis until after birth) We thought at first “this must be a really negative thing, and our family is going to change in a negative way”. But it really didn’t take much time to wrap our heads around “He’s a human, not a diagnosis.” He may have differences - but at the end of the day he needs the same things that everyone needs. He needs acceptance. He needs to be supported and loved. And we can do that – and we’ve been doing that ever since.
“I just have to trust in the love that we are building for him, and the life that we are starting for him.”
There are challenges. If I get caught up thinking about the future – when I’m older and he’s an adult, that’s when I might start to worry again. But I just have to trust in the love that we are building for him, and the life that we are starting for him. Whatever it is that he may need in the future, I just have to trust that our path that leads us from here to there will be more than enough.
What has been the biggest misconception you would like to “put to rest” about parenting a child with down syndrome?
There hasn’t been anything our family has had to change or give up in a negative sense. There have been no big lifestyle changes. We’re still outside, being active, out on the boat. It’s a huge misconception out there – that you have to give up so much. Or that your other children will have to sacrifice. Simon just comes along, like any other child or brother would.
Now, I will say – families can have a child with additional medical conditions. There is a long list of medical conditions that people with down syndrome are at higher risk for. You do sometimes see children who need medical or stability equipment. Simon does not have any of these needs. But, I can see where families who are facing some of these circumstances might initially feel overwhelmed, and expect negative changes.
I feel like we mostly look for barriers before we look for options when faced with something new. I often tell families to really reflect on the limitations they are placing on these children. Where are they coming from? Possibly misconceptions or lack of knowledge? Before a door is closed on a particular opportunity look at all options. And even if the answer is “no” or “this will need to be changed”, be open to the idea “maybe this isn’t a negative”. Maybe it’s simply “a change”.
“It’s a huge misconception out there – that you have to give up so much.”
Where can you see the impact Simon has on others?
In terms of my two older boys, and what it’s like to have Simon as a baby brother – I always tell people, “If every household could have a kid like Simon, or child with some type of difference, just how much better off everyone would be.” Because, it just creates this “normalcy” that’s not “normal”. It shatters the idea that things need to be about achievement. It just shatters that whole perception, which is a really powerful and beautiful thing.
“ It just shatters that whole perception, which is a really powerful and beautiful thing. ”
And in the preschool, with the kids that Simon is around, no one is having to teach them to be patient or to be kind. Teachers aren’t saying “oh make sure you’re extra careful with Simon”. It’s just this natural instinct. Because they’re so young they haven’t built up these perceptions yet. They haven’t created this idea of “oh that’s weird” or “things that are weird, we need to stay away from”. So, accepting differences is being woven into their normalcy.
Tell me some challenges for you, as “mom”.
He (Simon) does get a lot of my attention, in the same way that a toddler would. Because of his delayed development, he’s still in the “toddler phase” – and toddlers require a lot of supervision. For example, I cannot let him play outside unattended. He could walk out the gate or get into an anthill. Sometimes this is a struggle – because I do have two other children. Simon’s phase of needing mom’s full time attention is longer lasting. So, I try to make intentional space for my other boys, or in other ways. I do stay mindful of never ever wanting them (Simon’s brothers) to resent the extra time that he needs.
But I have to say, my oldest is a really beautiful caretaker for Simon. He’s just super proud. He’s proud of Simon being different.
Next year the three of them will be at the same school. I have a little bit of concern for my oldest, the struggles he may have with classmates and how they see Simon. I’m already preparing my heart and praying for the teacher in those situations – for her to be able to help in those situations.
What has been the greatest positive about having Simon as a part of your family?
Well, it’s been 100% positive. Not just for our immediate family, but for our extended family and friends as well. Everyone has just grown. We’re now in this place of just being more accepting and more open to anything. It’s shifted how we think, in a very good way.
Were there any unexpected positives you’ve found?
The humility he brings. Because you know, we all need a lots humility. It’s so important to be humbled. When I think about his brothers, and one day they bring home a girlfriend. Simon, he’s this filter for “really good quality human beings”. So, someone can look good on paper, but if they walk in and have the wrong attitude towards Simon – it’s really telling. I think Andrew and I will have lots of moments like that when we laugh and say “thank God for Simon!”.
Are there important people or professionals, that have impacted or supported you during this journey? Any important resources?
Absolutely, the resources! I couldn’t imagine not utilizing resources. Simon’s therapists, speech, occupational, and physical therapists, along with medical guidance from pediatricians make a really big difference.
The teachers that are part of our inclusion school system. I’m really thankful he’s accepted and loved for all his little quirks and gets to experience that. But also because it is so beneficial for the “typical” kids he interacts with. They really love him.
So, how do you answer the question “what’s it really like?” (to parent a child with down syndrome)
When people are trying to understand, I explain it in the same way I would talk with someone who has never had children. They’re also in this world of thinking “This looks like a lot of work. This does not look like much fun.”
So after you’ve had a child you can say “Yes, it is a lot of work, and sometimes it can be super stressful and worrisome. And sometimes it’s really frustrating. But the Joys.” You know that you can’t even begin to explain the joys. It’s the same way with having Simon.
The valleys can be lower, but the mountain peaks are higher. The challenges are a bit heavier sometimes and we have to put more thought into “what does he need?”. It’s this uncharted path. Whereas with raising my other sons, I was following a path that had been laid out before – paths I’d walked before, and everyone else around me has walked before. I take him to therapy, and engage closely with his learning. So, it is more work and more thought because I’m learning something new too. But then the joys! When he meets these milestones or when I see him standing on his head it’s an even deeper sense of joy.
Simon is your biological son. What would you say to anyone who is considering the choice to adopt a child with down syndrome?
It does require work. But, not in a way that is different from the work you give other children. It just has a different tone to it. I don’t think the parenting “work” would be too much for anyone.
“Our culture is just so fixated on “super early independence” and “high achievement”. ”
They’re probably thinking of “the burden”. Our culture is just so fixated on “super early independence” and “high achievement”. Those are the number one things our society focuses on when it comes to raising kids. We want these super high achievers and independent as soon as possible. So, when we think of any type of development or neurological difference, there is automatically the jump to “well how dependent will they be on me?” and “will this be burdensome”. You have to shift how you look at taking care of someone. If you want to look at it as a burden, I suppose you could. But, if you want to look at it as providing love and support for a human – which you, as a mom, know feeds you as well – then it isn’t a burden.
So, it really comes down to the perspective. And the perspective that they want to have, or want to allow. It’s the same with being a mom –period. We could look at being a mom to any child as burdensome. Sure, you could wake up each morning with those thoughts – but you’d be pretty miserable.
There is no denying that kids are a lot of work and they definitely change the way you live your life. But anyone who is a parent will say “we wouldn’t trade them for the world.”
“It’s the same when you parent a child with any type of differences. You get in there and do it because you know this child is worth it. This child is worthy. ”
It’s the same when you parent a child with any type of differences. You get in there and do it because you know this child is worth it. This child is worthy. There is this huge love that is enough to support you through. I wouldn’t trade Simon for the world.
For those who may be considering adopting a child with down syndrome, if you could give them a sneak peak at what’s coming their way, what would you share?
I mean, there is a lot there – really. Where to even start.
Being able to see their tenderness. Simon, for example, he doesn’t demand any kind of care. He’s very passive. So, every bit of care that is given to him – there is this really instinctual “love driven” response and exchange from human to human. It taps into this different level of “tender” love that you never knew you didn’t have before. I’ve even grown in how I administer love myself, in the way Simon has shown me how. My compassion for humans in general has just exploded.
“If you have room in your home for another child, you have room for this”
I’d also say that families who live in larger communities will most likely have really well organized resources like “Gigi’s Playhouse” or “The Bell Center” in Birmingham. So to families who live in those communities I’d say “If you have room in your home for another child, you have room for this” because it’s already been built, all of your pieces are already there. Those organizations have done a beautiful job paving the way for families. That might be my one regret is that we don’t live closer to a center like some of the ones they have in say Birmingham. But even without those, we’re doing great!
“It didn’t take him long to see there was something peaceful and a little extra happy with those families”
We wrapped up our conversation with Mollie telling me a beautiful story of how she can remember her mother’s attunement with the down syndrome community, even deeply considering adoption. She encouraged Mollie’s father to pay attention to families in public with a down syndrome child, for him to understand better what she had already seen. Mollie described “It didn’t take him long to see there was something peaceful and a little extra happy with those families”. Mollie’s mother passed away before the couple could further explore adoption.
“When Simon was born, that was one of the first things that came to me. It was a gift. It was like a hand-picked gift that our family is now able to experience.”
I’d like to thank Mollie for her insight, and acknowledge the admiration so many of us at Children of the World have long felt towards her.
It’s important to keep in mind, while most of us wake up needing to find joy – Simon and many like him wake up with overflowing joy and the gift of sharing.
Written by:
Children of the World, China Program Manager
More about our new series: Just As: I am / You are
Many are not aware that the vast majority of orphans waiting to be adopted (Internationally) are considered “special needs”. These children have differences ranging between disorders, delays, surgical needs, traumas, disease exposure, and many other conditions. However, if you spend any length of time around those in the adoption community, you will quickly recognize something familiar within the hearts of these children - the desire to be loved, just as they are. Differences do not diminish a child’s need for love and family.
In this spirit, we wanted to begin breaking down barriers between those who are waiting for a family - and the families who are waiting to take the first step. That is why Children of the World will be sharing stories, information, and resources over the next year that are designed to strip away the misconceptions formed about international and special needs adoptions. We hope to remove some of the fears and “what if” thoughts that prevent individuals and couples from opening their arms.
“1 John 4:8 There is no fear in love. Perfect love puts fear out of our hearts. People have fear when they are afraid of being punished. The man who is afraid does not have perfect love.”
2020 First Quarter Newsletter
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